


13 Letters to Lou || L.S.

by HarrysOnlyAngelLou



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Brain Cancer, Letters, Love, M/M, Suicide, larry - Freeform, larry stylinson - Freeform, sad love story
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-12 09:15:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 4,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29632410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HarrysOnlyAngelLou/pseuds/HarrysOnlyAngelLou
Summary: Harry passes away and leaves 13 letters for LouisStage IV Brain Cancer - Survival Rate (If Untreated) 12 - 18 monthsTrigger Warning: Suicide© 2021 HarrysOnlyAngelLou
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, Zayn Malik/Liam Payne
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys!!! So this is my first ever fanfic, yay!!! But it might also be really bad so bear with me. I just wanted to let you know that some of the stuff in this story might be triggering so please please read at your own risk. This is a brain cancer fic and I don't know if the things that happen might be triggering but just to be safe I said it. I'll put a trigger warning at the beginning of the chapter if it's really major, but just in case please again read at your own risk. This story is also on Ao3 with the same username so if you prefer to read it there then go check it out!! So without further ado, let's begin reading!!! (or in my case, writing :P)
> 
> Also, an amazing person @polina translated this story!!!
> 
> Russian Translation: https://ficbook.net/readfic/10498214 
> 
> Trigger Warning: Suicide

I sat there numbly as I thought about everything that had happened today. I felt like I was stuck in a nightmare and any second I would wake up to find him here beside me. Out of habit, my hand reached out to his side of the bed and when my fist closed around air, then only did I realize that he was really gone. 

It was like a switch was flipped inside of me as my walls broke down, sobs wracked my small frame as I shook and shook. I grabbed his jumper as I inhaled deeply and smelt the sweet scent of him. I moved so that I was laying down, my head resting on my pillow, tears still flowing out. I would never be able to see his gorgeous green eyes again, never see them light up when I said something funny, never be able to hear his adorable honking laugh, never be able to run my hands through his chocolate curls, never taste his full lips beneath mine again, and never be able to cuddle up with him. I shifted a bit and frowned as I felt a hardness underneath me and I moved the pillow away, only to find a stack of letters addressed to me, 13 to be exact.

• _3 hours ago_ •

We were all sitting on the couch, talking about random shit. It had been a long time since all five of us lads could meet together. Harry was cuddled up next to me as I ran my fingers through his curly hair as his eyes closed in contentment. I looked at his face, drinking up his features. Over the last couple of months, he'd grown really thin and not really eating so much. Sometimes he would sleep at random times or have horrible headaches and when I tried taking him to the doctor he would throw a fit. I gently traced the dark bruises beneath his eyes with the pads of my finger as his eyes fluttered open and I was drowning in his green orbs. "Hi," I whispered, "How was your nap?"

He smiled tiredly, "Good, but I'm a little thirsty," he murmured as he pushed himself up. "Anyone want any water?" He called out to the rest of the boys.

"Nah mate we're good," Zayn replied with a smile as he grabbed Liam's hand in his.

Harry grinned as he gave a thumbs-up, "I'll be right back."

I nodded as I gave him a small smile before turning back to the lads.

"Lou, Harry's been getting so thin lately," Niall says concern written all over his face.

I frown, "I know, and whenever I bring it up he changes the topic."

"I know, I tried talking to him a few times, but he always shut me out," Liam says with a frown on his face.

I sigh, "I-"

I was interrupted by a loud crash coming from the kitchen and then a thump. I immediately jumped onto my feet as I ran into the kitchen, hearing footsteps behind me so I knew that the boys are following me too. I slid into the kitchen as I stared in horror at my beautiful boyfriend lying on the ground with blood pooling around his head. 

I dropped to my knees as I shook him, "Harry, Harry, wake up, please, please, you have to wake up for me-," I was broken off as chocked sobs bubbled out of my mouth as I grabbed his face in my hands as I sobbed, kissing his still warm curls. "Harry, please, wake up, wake up for your boobear," I whispered brokenly as I rested my forehead against his.

I heard the boys talking in the background, but everything was fading out as I focused on my Hazza's face. I traced his eyelids as tears fell from my eyes, knowing that I would never be able to see the forest green color of them. I sobbed as I felt arms envelop me, and I fell limply into them as I stared at the paramedics that had come in. They lifted his body and placed it on a stretcher with a white cloth over him. They rushed to leave, but I jumped up from the arms of my friends as I gripped one of the nurse's arms, "Please let me come with you."

She glanced at my friends then at me, and with sad eyes, she nodded as she pulled me along to the ambulance. The car ride was a blur and soon we were in the hospital. Liam, Zayn, and Niall hadn't arrived yet, and I sat in the lobby waiting for them. They rushed inside as they pulled me into a hug. Niall said something in my ear, but I didn't hear him because a doctor had come out with a sympathetic smile. "Are you the family of Harry Styles?"

Liam spoke, "No, but we're his friends, and Louis is his boyfriend," he says pushing me forward.

The doctor took a deep breath before speaking, "I regret to inform you but Harry is no longer with us," I felt the air get knocked out of me as I stared at him in anguish, "he told me to wait until he was gone to give this information, but I've been his doctor for more than a year now, and 13 months ago he came with severe headaches. I did some tests on him and I found out he had Stage IV Brain Cancer." He paused, giving us a moment to let this settle in as silent tears dribbled down my face.

"He didn't want any treatment because he knew the survival rate was really low, almost 25%, and he didn't want to worry you all too much so he decided to leave the tumor as it is and live for the remaining time. I told him that at max he only has 18 months to live and that we could take him to some specialists to get it treated, but he said, 'I don't want to worry my boobear anymore than I should. And I'd rather not spend the rest of my life hooked to some tubes." At this point, I was sobbing into Zayn's shirt as he held me, "So I didn't argue with him, and let him be. I'm so sorry it has come to this. In the short time that I knew him, I found out that Harry is truly an amazing person. I so sorry again," and with that, he gave us one last half-hearted smile before leaving.

I fell down to my knees as I sobbed and sobbed, before I felt a soft hand on my back, "Let's go home Lou," I glanced up to see Liam with unshed tears shining in his eyes, and I accepted his hand. I felt Niall pull me into a side hug as I clung to him, thinking, _'how could this happen to my sweet Harry?'_

• _Present_ •

I slowly pulled off the pink ribbon that held the letters, as they scattered around me in a little arch. The fronts were decorated with little flowers and doodles that were so Harry. Sniffling, I slowly picked up the first letter as I started reading the words that I would cherish forever.


	2. Letter I

_11/30/2016_

_Dear Louis,_

_Hiii!!! I know after reading this letter you won't be happy but I wanted to see that beautiful smile of yours._ _I_ _'m in the doctor's office writing this letter to you right now and you're probably wondering why I'm here, but first I wanted to tell you how much I love you. Louis, my sweets, my love, my boobear, I love you so so much. It's indescribable the feeling that I have when I see you. Also, tell the boys how much I love them._

_But anyway remember how I told you that Simon called me for vocal exercises, yeah that wasn't true. I've been having horrible headaches for the past few days, and I know that you've noticed. It's gotten so bad but I don't want to worry you. You already have so much on your plate because your mum is sick. All the love to Jay, please tell her that I love her so so much. I don't know if I'll be able to say this later. I keep getting sidetracked, silly me. I went to the doctor's office instead of the studio, and the doctors and nurse's there are super sweet. They put me in one of those giant scanner thingy-ies and it was so cool, but the news they gave me afterward wasn't that cool :(_

_Before I tell you, I understand that you might be mad at me. I hope you are reading these letters after... everything, but if it's while I'm still here then I'm super embarrassed. But I didn't tell you because I don't want you to get stressed and then get sick because of me. I would be devastated if that happened. Also, I know that you are blaming yourself because of what happened, but boo please none of this is your fault. Ok, I've been stalling for so long, but here's the news. Drum roll, please._

_I have Stage IV Brain Cancer._

_Ok there, I've said it. I hope you're not mad at me. The doctor said that there is a 25% survival rate if I get treated, but that's really low. I don't want to spend the rest of my days hooked up to tubes and seeing you crying. That's another reason why I didn't tell you, I can't bear to see you sad. It makes me sad. So I've decided that I'm going to live the rest of my life the best way I can, and that is by your side. I want to wake up every day to your soft face and gorgeous blue eyes. I want to write songs about you and I want to hear your adorable laugh. The list goes on and on._

_The doctor said I only have 12-18 months to live if I go untreated, and at first I was like, I want to spend an eternity with him. But then I realized that I should be happy with what God gave me because he gave me you. You Mr. Louis Tomlinson are God's gift and I'm so happy that I bumped into you that day at the loo._

_I've also decided that every day on the last day of the month I'm going to write a letter to you so that you know everything that's been going on with me. I hope you found these letters after though because I don't want to see you worried. Oh, by the way, the doctor's name is Dr. Smith, he's so supportive and helpful about everything. He said that later on, I might start forgetting things, but I don't want to forget you boo._

_Anyway, this letter is getting so long, but that's probably because I was rambling half the time. Typical me :)_

_I'll see you later Lou._

_I love you._

_Love,_

_Your Hazza_


	3. Letter II

_12/31/2016_

_Dear Louis,_

_I first off want to wish you a very very very Happy Birthday!!! I can't believe my baby is 25. Such a grandpa. Kidding love. I also want to wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!! I can't believe I got to spend another year with the love of my life. I know, I'm a sap :)_

_I also cannot believe Jay passed away. She was such a lovely woman and she didn't deserve this. I love her so so much, and I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through. I just want to let you know that, I'm here for anything. If you need to talk with me or rant about anything, you can do it._

_Ok, now I also wanted you to know how I'm doing. I've been having headaches but the medications that Dr. Smith gave me are helping. I haven't forgotten anything yet, thank god, but I burned myself the other day while cooking and I didn't even notice until a few hours later. You didn't notice boo, but I didn't want you to. Don't beat yourself up about it. I know that you are. I also haven't had an appetite lately, but I know that you noticed this. Given all the times you tried to get me to eat :P Sorry about that by the way. I don't mean to give you a hard time, especially with everything that's been going on._

_Did I mention I love you. If I didn't then I love you, I love you, I love you. So so so much. I know that this is probably going to be my last time celebrating your birthday, Christmas, and New Year's with you but I don't want you to feel sad. I'm not. I've learned to cherish the little things now. As long as you're by my side I will always be ok._

_I missed the boys so much. They barely come around nowadays. Especially Zayn and Liam. I wonder why, lol. But all jokes aside, I know I don't appreciate them that much, but I love them sooooooo much. Niall, Liam, and Zayn, if you're reading this, which you probably will at some point, I want you to know that I could never ever, ever have asked for better friends than you._

_Ok, but that's about it this month._

_I love you, babydoll._

_Love,_

_Your Hazzabear_


	4. Letter III

_1/30/2017_

_Dear Louis,_

_I can't believe it's already the end of January!!! My birthday is in one more day, and I'm soooo excited!!! I also can't believe that I'm spending my birthday with you!! Ok but enough about that, I wanted to tell you that, Dr. Smith said that maybe in a few more days I might start forgetting some stuff. I hope it's nothing big. It's different for everyone, and it's based on where the tumor is located and how big. I didn't understand everything cause he was speaking some really big words, but I understood most of it._

_Anyway, I didn't want to make you sad while you were reading this letter. It's supposed to cheer you up. If you're reading this when I'm... gone, then I want to tell you that I'll always be in your heart. Just like you said in that tweet. I also want to tell you that I don't know what's on the other side, no one does, but I know that everything will be okay. Okay but I don't want to think about all this stuff right now, and I don't want you to think about this either. Let's talk about something else._

_Oh right, I forgot to tell you how much I love you ;)_

_I love you so so so so so much, I love the crinkles in your eyes and your barely-there freckles. I love your tummy, your laugh, and your eyes. But most of all I love your heart. It's so big and amazing. It makes sure everything and everyone is loved. I love you so so so much._

_But that pretty much sums up January. I'll see you next month boo._

_I love you, baby._

_Love,_

_Your Hazza_


	5. Letter IV

_2/31/2017_

_Dear Louis,_

_OMG!!! I loved the surprise that you gave me on my birthday. I can't believe you got me a puppy!!! She's adorable, but I've already told you this so many times :P Thank you so so much for this lovely gift, and the fact that you were here on my birthday made it a thousand times more special._

_I'm writing this letter while you're sleeping. I'm actually sitting beside you right now, and you look so so beautiful. The light is shining over you, and your skin is literally glowing. It's like you're some sort of god. I can't wait for your eyes to open, so I can see the gorgeous blues._

_Ok, so about me. Headaches are getting way more frequent, and the pain is getting so much. But I know that I can handle it. Anything for you love. I didn't forget anything except to turn on the stove before cooking, but that happens a lot :P_

_I know that you've been feeling down recently, and I want to cheer you up by telling you a joke. I know, I know you hate my jokes, but they always make you laugh so it's worth it._

_Ok here we go:_

_Why can't the flower ride the bike?_

_Because his petals fell off!!_

_You have to admit, that was a good one!!_ _See there's that beautiful smile!!!_

_Ok but that about sums up February._

_See you in a month!!_

_I love you, babycakes._

_Love,_

_Your Hazza_


	6. Letter V

_3/31/2017_

_Dear Louis,_

_I am so sorry that I ruined your day of fun at the fair :( I had fun in the beginning but then I got dizzy and you had to take care of me. I know you don't mind but still, I shouldn't take away your day of fun from you. I wanted to tell you the things I enjoyed though :)_

_I like when you got me ice cream and when I fed you, some of it got on your cute nose. Remember when you won the stuffed bear for me on the last chance, thank you soooo much for that. Mr. Snuggles will be cherished forever. I know it's a cheesy name but he looks like a Mr. Snuggles. I also loved when you kissed me at the top of the Ferris wheel, I know it was a cliche moment but can you blame me when I say that it felt magical. Especially when the fireworks started. All in all, it was such a fun day. I'm sorry I ruined it once again._

_So on to how I've been feeling. I haven't been feeling that bad but the headaches are the worst at night, that's why I have the bags underneath my eyes. But I have been feeling dizzy a lot lately, and once I accidentally cut myself with my razor when I was shaving but I didn't even feel it or notice it until I saw the blood. I think that means that my... uhm... condition is getting worse._

_Anyways no more sad stuff, I wanted to tell you that I had this dream last night where everything was perfect, no cancer, no deaths, it was just peaceful. And it was in a beautiful meadow and guess what we were doing? We were getting married, and get this Lou, your mother was there too, and I felt totally fine! But I know that the dream wasn't real, I was really disappointed when I woke up because no one deserves to go through the things you've been through boo. I wish I could take away your pain and make it mine because I just want to see you smile again. I also wish I could marry you in real life._

_I guess this is it for March, see you later._

_I love you, sweetcheeks._

_Love,_

_Your Hazza_


	7. Letter VI

_4/30/2017_

_Dear Louis,_

_I had an amazing time on the date last night! It was so magical! I felt like I was in a romance movie. The picnic was so beautiful and the decorations, oh my god, they were sooo pretty! I especially loved the fairy lights that you hung up, I think that is what made everything so dream-like. I also cannot believe we haven't been to that meadow before, but now it can be our spot._

_Sorry, that was a bit cheesy :P_

_So now, how I've been. I've been feeling good I guess. Today is one of my good days so I'm happy. I still don't know how I've managed to keep you from taking me to the doctor. It's so hard lying to you. I feel so guilty every day because I have to see your face when I'm lying to you. I know you don't believe me, but you let it go, and that is why I love you, baby. Because you trust me enough not to pry for information._

_Anyway, I'm so so sorry once again that I'm putting you through this, I don't know how you put up with my lies anymore. Sometimes I feel like you're just going to snap one day from all the pressure. Like from your mother passing away, to how I've been lying to you, and all the pressure that management is putting on you. I wish I could take your place instead because it hurts so so much just to watch you trying to be brave for everyone._

_I didn't want to tell you but sometimes I hear you cry at night because of everything, and my heart shatters every time I hear you cry. I want to hold you in my arms and make all the pain go away but I can't because you only break down when you're alone and that is a private moment for yourself that I cannot intrude in. I hope you know that I'm here for everything. Even if it's the littlest things like cooking. I'm there for you :)_

_Wow, that was a lot, I hope you got all of that._

_I should end this letter now before you wake up and catch me. That sounds so weird though. Ha._

_I'll see you in a little while (or when you wake up, but you know what I mean)_

_I love you, sunshine._

_Love,_

_Your Hazzabear_


	8. Letter VII

_5/31/2017_

_Dear Louis,_

_I don't think today is one of my good days, and I know that you are noticing that too based on the worried looks you've been giving me all morning. I won't write too much to you today even though I want to, but I just want to tell you not to worry (even though you won't be reading this right now :P)_

_But anyway I wanted to tell you that I wrote a song for you. It's called Sunflower, Vol. 6. I think it describes what we're going through right now pretty accurately. But tomorrow or whenever I feel better I'm gonna play it to you. And take you out on a date. I hope you like what I'm planning._

_I should end this letter now before you walk in on me writing this and then ask me. You know I'm a horrible liar :)_

_I'll see you on our date ;)_

_I love you, babe._

_Love,_

_Your Hazzabear_


	9. Letter VIII

_6/30/2017_

_Dear Louis,_

_It took me ages to plan the date, but I'm gonna take you on it tomorrow because we both have a day off tomorrow. I'm going to tell you about it in this letter because I just HAVE to tell someone other than Niall, Zayn, and Liam!_

_Ok, so I had to do something special after the picnic date. So I decided to have a romantic dinner! I hired a small band and I am going to cook all the food tomorrow. It's going to be in the forest, I found another meadow that is absolutely gorgeous! So there's going to be a small table for both of us with a candle and rose petals scattered on it. I hung some lights around the trees to make it cozier._

_After we eat we can go on a walk. I found a waterfall near the meadow too that is breathtakingly beautiful. So I'm going to take you there and my guitar will be there too. I'm going to play the song I told you about, Sunflower, Vol. 6. I really really hope you like that song. That's about it, and then we're going to maybe like watch the stars or something like that. Whatever you want to do boo. It is your date after all._

_So that was a lot, I'm just so so nervous because I feel like you won't like it. That's a silly thought though because I know you like everything I do, which is another silly thought. I'm on a roll today :P_

_I just want to tell you right now, but I don't want to ruin the surprise. You look so hot with your glasses on by the way. I know you don't like them but they make you look sexy. But I don't exactly know what to say for the rest of the letter. Oh! I forgot to tell you. The dinner that you cooked a few days ago was amazing! I know you probably think that it sucks but it was sooo good. You should cook more often. But I think that's about it this month._

_I'll see you later!_

_I love you, princess._

_Love,_

_Your Hazzabear_


End file.
